If Archie Is A Perv, What Does That Make Jughead?

A HARD DAY FOR ARCHIE (1974)

Director: Jim McBride

 

For a good number of kids, especially those born between the 1950s and the 1970s, Archie Comics were probably one of the first comic books they ever owned. They had a reputation for being squeaky clean, so they were safe for young minds. Archie and his friends found themselves in silly, everyday predicaments, but everything worked out in the end. Nothing dirty going on there.

 

Most every kid had these characters imprinted in their minds. As the kids got older, and closer to the ages of Archie and the gang, a good number of questions about the reality of life in Riverdale began to crop up. Did Archie and Betty ever go all the way? Reggie always talks a big game, but why does he seem to strike out more than Archie, the perpetual loser? What does Veronica look like without her swimsuit? Does Jughead eat burgers as he masturbates? Even though they are fictional characters, they had been there through your childhood, and you came to know them as well or better than your friends in real life. As puberty puts sex at the forefront of your thoughts, even comic book characters take on a sexual life.

 

While most of us were fine with debating whether Betty or Veronica was sexier while we got drunk and/or stoned, Jim McBride let his imagination turn the wholesome world of Archie into an R-rated teen sex comedy that isn’t as awful as it might sound. Come to think of it, McBride didn’t direct another film for nearly 10 years, so it might be worse than it looks. But since he did direct “Breathless” and “The Big Easy”, we’ll cut him a bit of slack for making “A Hard Day for Archie” (AKA “Hot Times”).

 

We start with an overly horny Archie talking to Bette on the phone. It seems Bette is following the teachings of a guru, and the guru has demanded abstinence from his followers until he opens a new path to enlightenment. As Archie whines about the lack of sex, he is ridiculed by his older sister who is forced to share his room when she comes home from college.

 

The whining (probably a better title) continues as Bette drives herself and Archie to see the guru’s speech. Unfortunately, they end up in the parking lot for the wrong stadium, but, hey, the guru is on the radio. He removes the rule of abstinence. Archie and Bette go at it right there in the car. As the guru continues to speak, he states his followers, while allowed to have sex, are not allowed the release of orgasm. By the time Bette realizes what is being said, she has already had an orgasm, but she stops Archie just before he pops.

 

Now you know the rest of the film. It is roughly 80 minutes of Archie looking for and whining about his need to bust his nut inside a girl. Pay attention to that. It isn’t some 80’s sex comedy where the main character realizes they were really looking for love, not sex. The 70s were called “The Me Decade”. Forget worrying about emotional involvement because, for Archie, the world literally revolves around his need to orgasm inside a girl.

 

Since it is New Year’s Eve as well, poor Archie is in crisis. It seems all of his friends have dates. Since they have theirs, they mostly add to Archie’s troubles as they travel about town trying to find an excuse to keep the movie going. The picaresque plot leads Archie through various sexy and/or sex-related encounters that never end in his satisfaction.

 

To give you an idea of how devoid of reason and restraint the film is, Archie realizes, at one point, that his sister is taking a shower. What does our “hero” with a raging boner do? He climbs out on the roof and attempts to watch his sister shower. In the middle of a sunny day. With no curtains on the bathroom window. AND he acts shocked that she sees him peeping!! Worse than that, just what did he think was going to happen? “Oh, yes, little brother, I feel bad for you, so I will have sex with my biological brother so he can feel a bit of sexual release.” NO!!! Just no. Plus, this is just the wrong kind of flick for that. Save that for a Roberta Findlay-directed hardcore film.

 

“A Hard Day for Archie” is really more annoying than funny, but it is reasonably watchable if you grew up in the 60s and 70s and know better than to expect more than bare-minimum filmmaking.

 

The acting is poor to adequate, with Gail Lorber looking pretty good as Ronnie, the film’s variation on Veronica. The bulk of the cast did little beyond this, except Steve Curry (Mughead) also starred in McBride’s “Glen and Randa”. (Shelley Plimpton, who co-starred in “Glen and Randa”. has a bit part in this film.) Oh, and Eric Edwards, who plays Big Al, made a crapload of pornos.

 

Give “A Hard Day for Archie” a chance if you have a chance to see it as it had a release on VHS but nothing legal on DVD or BD, so it is rather obscure and hard to find. Once you watch it, you’ll understand why.