A Vanity Project That Has Become An Iconic VHS-Era Classic

BOARDINGHOUSE (1982)

Director: John Wintergate

 

Just because you have the legendary status of being the first horror feature film to be shot exclusively on video does NOT mean you are any good. Keep that in mind as we talk about today’s feature, BOARDINGHOUSE.

Made in 1982, then transferred from video to film (the reverse of most situations), this film was actually shown in theaters. Yes, real theaters where each person paid an admission, bought snacks, sat in funky seats with unidentifiable stains, and stared at a projected image on the big screen. Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds like Thursday Porn Theater at my apartment, but folks paid good money to watch a movie with shittier quality than what you saw your local news broadcast picked up by a malformed set of rabbit-ear antennae.

What did these poor folks get for their $3 (average price for first-run features back in the day)? Some skin. A leading man who looks like the rat-tailed bastard of Sting and Malcolm McDowell. Colored lighting. A bit more skin. Telekinesis. Comic relief in the form of a drunk. Women wrestling in a pool. Pies in faces. Poor video effects. Hard-to-read credits. Twirling soap bars. Lapses in logic.

I think you get the picture. It’s everything a kid in the early 80s would want from a movie they shouldn’t be watching.

Strange events take place in a house with an even stranger past. A couple who studied psychic phenomena both die in the house. Only their child survives, but is put in a mental facility. After that, every owner of the property meets a sudden, and often bizarre, death until it ends up in the possession of Jim Royce.

Royce is a rich dude who decides to turn his new property into a boardinghouse for young, beautiful, and single women. Oh, yeah, this guy is trying to keep the horny 70s alive as he is the ONLY male allowed upstairs.

Life is fun and sexy games until strange things begin happening. Is it the result of Royce’s experimentation with telekinesis? Is it the house? Is it one of the girls? No, no! It’s the script, folks. Not that these folks seem to stick to it as they gleefully talk over each other.

Soon, people are dying and/or disappearing. In spite of the mounting danger, the hot partying continues until a most tragic party takes place.

BOARDINGHOUSE moves quickly enough. That is, if you watch the theatrical version. Apparently a “director’s cut” was released years later that runs over two hours. While I haven’t seen that version, I doubt I could stomach that much bad acting and inept editing.

Don’t get me wrong. The movie is bad, but in an entertaining way. If you want to risk your life, you could do a drinking game where you have to take a shot every time the scene cuts away before the dialogue is finished. If you want to commit suicide by alcohol poisoning, combine the previous challenge with taking a shot every time you see one of the girls bare skin or put on something flimsy and sheer. (WARNING: Do NOT do this!! Seriously. You’ll need paramedics, and they don’t do their job for free!!) Still, having something mind-altering while watching this may enhance your viewing pleasure. Or, depending on your age and background, it may trigger an LSD flashback.

I am not responsible for any brain damage you may incur from viewing this film. Personally, I lost all knowledge of the meaning of the word “boondoggle”. Doctors say that portion of my brain will never recover.

Oh well.

 

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