Holy Killer Clergy, Father!!

One of the strangest things about being a film and television fan for 50-plus years is watching people who were once stars fall down the popularity escalator and end up taking most any acting job just to keep making ends meet or to stay in the limelight. Admittedly, a number of such actors ruined their own careers with drugs, drinking, sex addictions, bad luck, and piss-poor life management.

Others just fade away because the next juicy hot bod comes along. Look at Harry Hamlin. Once voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive and his face was everywhere. He’s still working, but most people wouldn’t recognize his name from Ed Brugel (the man loves his handbells).

“The Divine Enforcer” brings together four old-school character actors who were all popular many years ago and presents them all in what must be the nadir of their careers. Except Jan-Michael Vincent. He was at least able to mumble through his lines thanks to script sheets taped to the newspaper he is constantly reading. Better than his work on “No Rest for the Wicked” where he could not even keep his head up during most shots due to drunkenness.

Other than Jan-Michael, you also get Erik Estrada playing a monsignor who only shows emotion when telling Mr. Vincent’s character to shut up. Probably due to actual frustration with blown takes or just having to smell the alcohol in his co-star’s copious sweat. Beyond that, I think he probably required that he be dead center of any group shot. Seriously, watch, and you’ll see I’m right.

Then Judy Landers plays a bubbleheaded housekeeper working for the church. Her breathy-voiced, brainless shtick is the same here as it was in the 80s, and she looks the same as always. Honestly, she comes off better than most of the other performers, but I’m not sure if that is much of a compliment given what she’s stacked against.

Last but far from least is Don Stroud playing Otis, the “vampire” serial killer. He likes to remove the skulls of his victims and use them for cups, bowls, and decorations. He also likes to mumble a lot, so good luck understanding most of what he says. Stroud used to be a solid character actor when you needed a semi-hunky, Beach Boy-looking dude to play either a star’s buddy or the film’s bad guy. Lots of film and TV roles, and yet here he is poking hookers with needles while rolling his eyes and doing utterly pointless stuff to look bonkers.

Jim Brown and Robert Z’Dar also show up for about 3 minutes, but they can be forgiven because of the briefness of their roles as well as the fact they don’t really do anything other than what they normally do – look tough and sound menacing. I just hope they got decent pay checks for their day’s work.

What is “The Divine Enforcer” and why should these actors rue the day they spent working on it?

The film starts with Stroud as Otis. He drives a hooker into the country (she doesn’t find this odd?) where he attempts to drink her blood before a chase cribbed from a dozen silent comedy films results in death for a random rapist and the hooker being taken captive.

Without an establishing shot, we are watching another rape attempt in a different location with different people. A guy shows up, snaps a few limbs, and leads the victim away. This would be, as we find out later, Father Daniels, the new priest for the local parish. He is played by martial arts expert Michael Foley. Let’s be perfectly clear here: He is not an actor. He doesn’t completely embarrass himself, but you’ve seen brick walls with more emotive ability.

Daniels moves into the rectory (the establishing shot is of a normal house with no church in sight) and begins getting weirdos during his confession duties. He exhibits a psychic ability that allows him to see visions connected with the confessions he hears. Using these visions, the priest starts hunting down drug dealers and street scum with the use of his crucifix-emblazoned knives, shuriken, and ivory-handled .45 pistols.

While he is paring down the criminal populace, Father Daniel’s vigilante activities are being questioned by a secret organization aware of his real identity. Don’t get too interested in this sub-thread as it goes nowhere, but it sets up an interesting hook for a sequel.

Ultimately, and after WAY too much filler, our killer priest starts zeroing in the “vampire” loony dumping bodies on a nearly daily basis.

By this time, you have either turned the movie off or you are glued to the insanity going on. Either way, you can’t unsee what you have already seen. The dreadful acting, the nonsensical plot developments, Foley’s bugged-out eyes, and a smack-talking skull will all float down in the sewers of your mind for days.

Actually, this could be a way to stir up interest in the Catholic Church after all those sexual assault charges tarnished their reputation. Recruit people to be holy avengers for The Lord. Portray the Church as taking an active role in pushing back against the evil and injustice in the world. Teach nuns to wield swords. Holy gun ranges. This film could be a gamechanger; someone call the Pope!

Should Be "Movie in Traction"

How many of you have found yourself watching an episode of the old “A-Team” series and thought, “Well, I can’t imagine anything more juvenile and unrealistic” while watching one of the endless action scenes? I may be showing my age, but I have often thought that while watching the show. Of course, my dad was still alive at the time, and, since my dad fell in love with “Banacek” in the 70s, the family had to watch everything with George Peppard.

Back on track, I will admit it has been nearly 30 years (not that I was expecting something like this to ever happen), but I have actually found something more juvenile and unrealistic. In fact, this film treats reality as if it was that sheet of plastic covering the face of your new smartphone: It gets tossed aside like a pointless thing and the film never looks back.

The film in question is Teddy Page’s 1988 mostly-forgotten “Movie In Action”. Never heard of either Teddy Page or “Movie in Action”? Don’t feel bad. I hadn’t either until I found a copy of the movie. It is fairly convincing proof that curiosity can be a bad thing. But rest assured that the smell you’ve been complaining about is not a cat killed by curiosity. Just don’t ask for more information. Okay? Good.

Let’s start with the opening scene. We are dropped into a heated battle as a small force of soldiers in a helicopter mow down dozens and dozens of enemies. Then the men leap from the copter and begin charging towards the enemy. Mortars and bullets rend the ground and air all around our heroes as they sprint across many fields and down many hills (that look exactly the same). “CUT!” comes the cry from the Director (the credits don’t even grant the characters names – just their crew titles).

We have a movie about the making of a movie, and it is already either stupidly or insultingly attempting to tell us that everything we just saw was done in a single take despite the numerous cuts to various camera set ups. Wow. They whipped that protective sheet of reality off and left it in the dirt before the first solid line of dialogue hit the boom mic.

Within what appears to be minutes, the crew has set up for a whole new scene. With one camera. One. Think about the opening scene and imagine that being done with one camera. In one take. I’m just gonna leave that right there. Examine as you please.

During the scene, the star actress is supposed to be rescued by the lead male. What actually happens is a group of real armed soldiers walk into the shot, knock out the guy, and take the woman hostage. As they make their getaway, a soldier fires an M-16 into the film crew. Only the Director is hit. Not really believable.

Oh, and the direct hit to his leg is patched up like a simple scratch. No. Most of the backside of the wound would be a shredded mess and that’s if he was luck enough to avoid having the bone shattered. Reminded me of the “A-Team” episode in which B.A. had been shot in the leg with a 50-caliber round. My brother, who served as a medic in Vietnam, happened to be there that night. He started laughing. “He’d be damn lucky if the leg was even still attached. Fuck saving it.” Even though the Director is played by Bo Svenson, I think an M-16 round would hospitalize him in the real world, but in this film, he just needs a cane, whether he sees fit to use it.

The whole film follows the spunky but sparse film crew as they saddle up to rescue the Actress. They face grenade launchers, light machine guns, AK-47s, destroyed vehicles, roadblocks, and dozens of supposed NVA troops with marksmanship so bad that even Star Wars stormtroopers are embarrassed for them.

The unreality of the violence is tweaked even further as slapstick is introduced to, I don’t know – shake things up? It just sticks both rancid feet in its mouth and goes for a 40-mile hike as far as not giving a flying flip about the audience. Why should it? They already have your money; the filmmakers no longer care beyond that point. Why not throw more and more shit at the wall until they run out of film stock?

Another utterly weird and tone-deaf scene would include the crew deciding to harass a person for not wanting to sell his cattle, so they frighten him with a rubber mask. First of all, that water buffalo is that farmer’s only resource to move things on the farm; of course, he won’t sell it. Secondly, the guy had lived through the attempt at genocide by the Khmer Rouge, so I doubt a rubber mask would freak him out. And Americans wonder why the rest of the world hates us?

 
I can’t recommend “Movie in Action”. It isn’t bad in a way that is funny. It frustrates you and insults you as the characters walk through every action scene as if they are wandering through a meadow after they smoked some Thai stick. Nothing matters. You know it. The actors know it. Hell, even the characters know it, but apparently no one told the real director.

Horror On A Porn Budget

Sometimes miracles really do happen. I have proof. “Deranged” is a little movie made in in 1987. It was directed by Chuck Vincent. The cast and crew were primarily from the porn industry. The film was shot on a single set. (I’d bet good money that the same set was probably used in at least one other film, and it was probably a porno.) The budget pretty much had to be as low if not lower than a fast porn flick. You can see camera shadows and boom mics and the unfinished edge of the upper part of the set.

With all of these problems, you’d expect the worst. I mean, Chuck Vincent (I’ll explain later for those who don’t know the name.), for the love of peanut butter!!

Sure, you get a cheap-looking film, but there is so much going on in this film that, even if you don’t ultimately like it, at least one scene or element of the film should connect with you in some way. It might be the acting or interesting use of the single set. You might be impressed with the blocking of the scenes. Possibly you could be fascinated by the shifting realities of the plot.

Confused? Well, I won’t make promises, but let’s see what we can sort out when it comes to “Deranged”.

Joyce is a pregnant woman whose husband Frank is leaving for a month abroad on business. Before the movie is five minutes in, we know that Joyce has a history of mental illness, that Frank is a bit of an ass, and that Frank and Mary Ann, Joyce’s half-sister, may be having an affair.

Joyce is hesitant to have lunch with her mother and Mary Ann once Frank has left, so it is obvious that she isn’t thrilled with her family. Ultimately, to avoid any conflict, Joyce submits to lunch. Lunch was really just a pretense to throw a baby shower for the first-time mother. After she opens a baby blanket given as a gift, Joyce starts slipping into her own little world, seeing and hearing people who aren’t there. The rest of the people are too caught up in their own business to notice.

Joyce is dropped at her and Frank’s apartment by Mary Ann. Once inside the apartment, Joyce is attacked by a man in a ski mask. He beats her and stomps on her swollen belly. In spite of the pain and fear, she manages to grab a pair of scissors and kills the man before suffering a miscarriage due to the beating.

At this point, all logic steps out for a long walk on a short pier. Joyce’s savagely untethered mind floats from paranoid fantasies to flashbacks of her childhood to interactions with people both real and imagined. These fragments of Joyce’s shattered mind allow the audience to slowly piece together what caused Joyce’s original breakdown as well as her unstable marriage and contempt for both her mother and her half-sister. You may find yourself sympathetic to the main character one moment and wondering how much of her “remembered” trauma might have completely different explanations in the next. She is the model of an unreliable witness, and, during this movie, you are trapped in her head.

Let’s talk Chuck Vincent for a few minutes. The bulk of his output as a film director tended to be porn or material that wanted to be porn but was crafted for drive-in theaters. A lot of his films are poorly structured wrecks. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find some of his film entertaining; just don’t pop in a movie of his with the expectation of watching a master craftsman. Ain’t happening. You will often find yourself swinging from tedium to giggling at the ineptitude in his movies.

What you don’t expect from Chuck Vincent is a fairly mature handling of some pretty uncomfortable issues. Oh, I don’t think he deserves a lifetime achievement award just for this film. I do find it notable that he curbed his occasional urge to be sleazy to give this film a bit more gravitas.

Also worth noting is the blocking done in this movie. Blocking is establishing where actors need to be in a given scene and how they move within that scene so that the camera can focus as needed. This film, in using a single set, has to orchestrate moving actors into and out of the shots so that Joyce’s mental breakdown can be properly populated with her constantly shifting memories. If nothing else, herding groups of actors through the set without chaos should impress even the most casual film fan.

The biggest take away with “Deranged” is the lead actress, Veronica Hart (listed as Jane Hamilton in the credits). She was a major fixture in the porn industry and also managed to end up in a large number of Chuck Vincent films. After hearing she is a porn actress, you might be prone to discount her acting ability. You couldn’t make a bigger mistake. She is on camera for nearly every second of this film. A good number of scenes are actually done with cuts, so she is called upon to change location, clothes, period in her character’s life, and mental states all within a single, non-stop scene. She nails it. You believe it when she reverts back to childhood before turning into sexy wife of a tennis pro and then cowering in fear as her past returns to haunt her again and again. Ms. Hart makes Joyce a believable and sympathetic lead, even when she ends up doing things you can’t condone.

 
Not really a horror movie as much as it is a simulation of a complete mental breakdown. Definitely worth watching just to see something a little different from people who normally don’t attempt something on the level of “Repulsion” of which “Deranged” is a fairly close copy.