Should be called "Boredomhunters"

You know you are in serious trouble when you pop in a movie that you know nothing about, and the first name you see attached to the film is “Jerry Warren”.

For many of you, that name will mean nothing. To fans of MST3K, as well as veterans of bad movies, the name “Jerry Warren” telegraphs that fact that the film you are about to watch will not only suck wind, but will reduce your ability to think in a coherent fashion. Warren was known for writing, producing, and/or directing films that you could easily show your mom and dad but wouldn’t for fear of being told you were wasting not only your time, but everyone else’s time as well. There are people out there who look upon Jerry Warren’s body of work with fondness; there are also people out there who think Hitler was too liberal. I don’t think I want to hang too close to either group.

Just exactly what are you setting yourself up for by watching “Terror of the Bloodhunters”? Unlike most Warren features, this particular movie is pretty damn dull. In fact, the first 55 minutes of this turkey only draws your attention with two scenes of scantily-clad women dancing in some weird death ritual; just ignore the change in film and lighting quality. The rest of the run time centers around the cast, in groups of 2 or three, chatting about philosophy without really discussing it or rambling about their lives, hopes, and dreams. You know it is just filler because Warren doesn’t have a budget to allow for more than talk, plus, to keep the audience semi-conscious, a couple of people will need to die.

After spending half of the movie giving reason after reason why no one can survive in the jungles surrounding the penal colony where our story begins, our “heroes” march steadfastly into the dangerous jungle, and the audience is promptly bored to tears as these folks do little more than walk and talk for 20 minutes or more. When the “bloodhunters” finally show up, our “heroes” hold fake palm fronds in front of themselves in an effort to hide from the over-use of stock footage.

At that point in the film, you have to wonder if they have enough time to do anything. I mean, there are only ten minutes left. In very rapid order, all of the following things happen: One of our trio of good folks gets munched on by a leopard. The two guards hunting down our “heroes” are captured by the “bloodhunters”. The good guy of the film goes to rescue the guards even though they were hunting him. The whole “bloodhunter” village burns to the ground as a diversion. One of the guards is killed by a random arrow. The two remaining guys acknowledge their manliness and decide to live and let live. Cut to the end titles.

Yes, once again, I have ruined the ending for another movie. Let’s be honest; you aren’t gonna sit up late at night (or any other time of the day, for that matter), nibbling on your fingernails wondering how this movie is gonna end. You’ll be praying that the damned thing just ends. Personally, I kept envisioning the characters being hacked to death by the natives any time one of the white folk stepped near the edge of the screen. Sadly, it never happened.