Should Be "Movie in Traction"

How many of you have found yourself watching an episode of the old “A-Team” series and thought, “Well, I can’t imagine anything more juvenile and unrealistic” while watching one of the endless action scenes? I may be showing my age, but I have often thought that while watching the show. Of course, my dad was still alive at the time, and, since my dad fell in love with “Banacek” in the 70s, the family had to watch everything with George Peppard.

Back on track, I will admit it has been nearly 30 years (not that I was expecting something like this to ever happen), but I have actually found something more juvenile and unrealistic. In fact, this film treats reality as if it was that sheet of plastic covering the face of your new smartphone: It gets tossed aside like a pointless thing and the film never looks back.

The film in question is Teddy Page’s 1988 mostly-forgotten “Movie In Action”. Never heard of either Teddy Page or “Movie in Action”? Don’t feel bad. I hadn’t either until I found a copy of the movie. It is fairly convincing proof that curiosity can be a bad thing. But rest assured that the smell you’ve been complaining about is not a cat killed by curiosity. Just don’t ask for more information. Okay? Good.

Let’s start with the opening scene. We are dropped into a heated battle as a small force of soldiers in a helicopter mow down dozens and dozens of enemies. Then the men leap from the copter and begin charging towards the enemy. Mortars and bullets rend the ground and air all around our heroes as they sprint across many fields and down many hills (that look exactly the same). “CUT!” comes the cry from the Director (the credits don’t even grant the characters names – just their crew titles).

We have a movie about the making of a movie, and it is already either stupidly or insultingly attempting to tell us that everything we just saw was done in a single take despite the numerous cuts to various camera set ups. Wow. They whipped that protective sheet of reality off and left it in the dirt before the first solid line of dialogue hit the boom mic.

Within what appears to be minutes, the crew has set up for a whole new scene. With one camera. One. Think about the opening scene and imagine that being done with one camera. In one take. I’m just gonna leave that right there. Examine as you please.

During the scene, the star actress is supposed to be rescued by the lead male. What actually happens is a group of real armed soldiers walk into the shot, knock out the guy, and take the woman hostage. As they make their getaway, a soldier fires an M-16 into the film crew. Only the Director is hit. Not really believable.

Oh, and the direct hit to his leg is patched up like a simple scratch. No. Most of the backside of the wound would be a shredded mess and that’s if he was luck enough to avoid having the bone shattered. Reminded me of the “A-Team” episode in which B.A. had been shot in the leg with a 50-caliber round. My brother, who served as a medic in Vietnam, happened to be there that night. He started laughing. “He’d be damn lucky if the leg was even still attached. Fuck saving it.” Even though the Director is played by Bo Svenson, I think an M-16 round would hospitalize him in the real world, but in this film, he just needs a cane, whether he sees fit to use it.

The whole film follows the spunky but sparse film crew as they saddle up to rescue the Actress. They face grenade launchers, light machine guns, AK-47s, destroyed vehicles, roadblocks, and dozens of supposed NVA troops with marksmanship so bad that even Star Wars stormtroopers are embarrassed for them.

The unreality of the violence is tweaked even further as slapstick is introduced to, I don’t know – shake things up? It just sticks both rancid feet in its mouth and goes for a 40-mile hike as far as not giving a flying flip about the audience. Why should it? They already have your money; the filmmakers no longer care beyond that point. Why not throw more and more shit at the wall until they run out of film stock?

Another utterly weird and tone-deaf scene would include the crew deciding to harass a person for not wanting to sell his cattle, so they frighten him with a rubber mask. First of all, that water buffalo is that farmer’s only resource to move things on the farm; of course, he won’t sell it. Secondly, the guy had lived through the attempt at genocide by the Khmer Rouge, so I doubt a rubber mask would freak him out. And Americans wonder why the rest of the world hates us?

 
I can’t recommend “Movie in Action”. It isn’t bad in a way that is funny. It frustrates you and insults you as the characters walk through every action scene as if they are wandering through a meadow after they smoked some Thai stick. Nothing matters. You know it. The actors know it. Hell, even the characters know it, but apparently no one told the real director.