Grindhouse? More like Craphaus!

For those of you who shy away from the low-end of the cinematic gene pool, let me offer up a suggestion for getting your feet wet. JUMP IN! Yeah, that's right. Jump in, right over your head. You'll panic. You'll freak for a few moments. But when your head breaks the surface, you'll then realize you just dove into a swimming pool full of sewer water. Trust me, once you get used to the smell, you'll find yourself being amazed at the variety of turds you can find in that over-sized punch bowl.

A prime way to dive in is with VideoAsia's Grindhouse Experience. There are two volumes of this series out. Both have 20 movies that you probably never heard of and, well, to be honest, you couldn't really care less if you ever did, unless you are used to swimming in the sewer water of cinema, and then these fecal chunks have a touch more character. So, with this installment, which is already mired in bad taste due to so many scatological asides, let's focus on the first volume and pick a nasty bit of bowel displacement called Demon Witch Child.

Now, as you know from my last posting about Devil Times Five, I'm not a fan of children as a rule. So you can imagine a movie in which a child is possessed would fall low on my "I loved it!" meter. Ah, but you would be wrong. Allow me to explain.

This film, a Spanish production from the mid-Seventies, sought to capitalize on the whole Exorcist routine that was popular at the time. Everyone and their dog was pumping out bile-spraying, anti-Catholic profanity-spewing movies to cash in on the popularity of the film version of Mr. Blatty's novel. Italy was the primary source for a lot of this nonsense, and while the country IS Catholic for the most part, there was this whole undertone of thumbing a collective nose at the primary religion.

Now Spain, they seemed to be a bit more inclined to view any breach of the religious norm as a deviance in Life itself. In this film, the possession comes about at the hand of a band of Gypsies. They get such a bad rap in this movie that you can begin to understand why they claim to be persecuted along the lines of the Jews. In fact, if you watched this movie, you'd begin to think Gypsies are the spawn of Satan Himself. They seem to exist only to subvert the holy mission of The Church. Maybe they are, but when I was raised by a band of them, they were nothing but kind to me. Okay, so I wasn't raised by Gypsies. Still, they are treated like scum in this movie. So what if they kidnap a baby for a blood sacrifice to Satan? At least the kid is earning his keep.

How in Hell does any of this relate to kids, you may be asking. When the old Gypsy ringleader of the coven nosedives out the window, her spirit is sent to inhabit the body of the police commissioner's young daughter. The sweet, wholesome child seems to be perfectly okay with taking the ugliest trinket from a weird Gypsy woman, so she basically had this coming. As little Miss My-Poo-Doesn't-Stink, I didn't like her. Once she cuddles up with the Devil's toy, she cops an attitude as big as the outdoors. Then she becomes interesting.

Yes, I understand, she offers up the standard possession antics. She just looks so cute calling the self-important priest a faggot. And when she castrates her governess's boyfriend, she shows that even young teen girls have Girl Power. The only low point comes when she unleashes a plushie attack on one of the many servants in the household. What the Hell is so diabolical about being pelted with stuffed animals? Some people actually find it sexually stimulating. I guess even wicked Gypsies can have a bad day. In the end, the kid, with her eyes practically on opposite sides of her head, still makes you think that Nabokov had something going when he wrote Lolita. Except she didn't spew anti-Christian obscenities. Or show her panties to the camera while crawling upside-down on the outside of the house she lives in.

Is the movie any good? It has cheap thrills. It moves at a good pace. It doesn't leave any bad after-taste, unless you are a hardcore Catholic. It does sport a weird sub-plot about the uptight priest that leaves you wondering if you should root for him or wondering if he really is a mincing homosexual as the little demon witch child suggests. Plus, you get to see a baby sacrificed. When was the last time you saw that, huh?

Worth checking out if you've bought the Grindhouse Experience set on its own merit or because you just had to have a bad VHS reproduction copy of The Children. Everyone else, out of the sewer water pool and hit the showers.

This stinker has also been released on video as The Possessed. The cover has been added for those of you who think this blog is written in a vacuum. We can Google, too.

The Devil Does Math!

I don't like kids. Sue me. Okay, they have their uses, like shielding yourself from a sniper's bullets or tossing to rabid pitbulls to save yourself. And don't use that argument of "You used to be a kid once" with me. Yeah, I was, and I still didn't like other kids and wasn't too crazy about myself.

How to defend my argument? Okay, how's this? Your local Wal-Mart at 11:30 a.m. on any given Saturday and especially around Christmas. Top that. You can't. Screaming, shoving, rudeness, food dribbled down the front of clothes and that faint smell of rot. Okay, that describes the parents as well in Wal-Mart, but the third time within ten minutes one of those little poop factories lets loose with a shriek that could shatter glass as well as your last taboo against infanticide, you'll be looking for a Louisville Slugger bat with the intent of using the little wankers as human T-ball stands.

Further proof? Okay. Sit down. Let me pop in this DVD. Now watch and learn. Yeah, it's a horror movie. No, sit the hell down and watch. I know this is boring, but trust me, something is about to happen. Okay, there. What do you mean you don't understand? The kid has a pitchfork. That little bitty girl has a hammer. Ah, yes, now you understand. Five kids beating an adult to death, slowly. What? Yes, that seemed like a very long beating death because it runs damn near five minutes. And that is just the first person to die at their hands. Yes, you can go scrub with hot water, but you can't get the stench of evil children out of your skin.

What am I talking about? My ultimate proof of the ultimate evil of children. Devil Times Five is one of those little films that, when you hear the premise, you laugh it off. Then you watch it. Bad mistake if you want to walk through life with your head in the clouds about those little moppets. You'll feel a chill when you look up to see a child giving you one of those utterly blank stares. You won't want to be in a room alone with more than one of them. Peace of mind is gone, my friend. Innocence has been lost.

A group of dopey adults who probably don't deserve to live beyond the film's 90-minute running time isolate themselves in a mansion miles from civilization and surrounded by miles of very, very deep snow. What they don't know is that a van full of deeply disturbed children has just ran off the road. (More evidence of their evil: they survive the van rolling down a hill with all of the doors wide open, and not a one of them happened to be wearing harnesses that would make the safety restraints in NASCAR look flimsy. Only pure evil could have survived.) So everyone starts converging on the snow-locked mansion. One throwaway adult character knows how evil children are, and he tries to stop the little bastards, but he gets beaten to death...for a very long time. Long enough that you start to feel awkward and a bit uncomfortable. This guy knew they were evil, and look what happened to him. What do you think is going to happen to the unsuspecting adults?

Okay, you're thinking that since this has a young Leif Garrett who dons dresses and lipstick to a stunning and creepy effect, it has to be great Mystery Science Theater 3000 material in the making. It has a catfight between two lovely women in scanty clothing, so it ought to be fun and sexy. It has a lovable mentally challenged man who talks to his pet rabbits, and that means wholesome entertainment. Go back to your episodes of Davy and Goliath. You aren't ready for this.

Lots of murders by utterly detached children. Brutal and sick murders, like the simple-minded handyman getting strung up by very thin wire pulled tight by a generator or the lady burned to death while trying to profess a desire to love and care for one of the children. It is the kind thing that leaves you slack-jawed and more than a bit uncomfortable in your own skin.

And then the little hellions dance and play and frolic as if there isn't a bloodied body mere feet away. You almost can join in with their seemingly innocent games until reality creeps back in and you remember the piranha in the bathtub scene or the throat slashing bit. Yup, you should disassociate yourself from these creatures, unless you feel like burning the neighbor's house or torturing an animal. You don't feel like doing things like that, do you? However, if you should feel the urge to bitch-slap any child that comes within your reach after watching this film, then, please, enjoy the minor thrill of victory, until they gang up on you and tear you literally to pieces.

Don't say you weren't warned.

This movie can be found in a few places. Check out Code Red for a very nice version with commentary and extras. If you are cheap, then check out Mill Creek Entertainment's collection Demons & Devils. You can also find it on some public domain bit-torrent sites, but you are on your own with that kind of thing.