Just Watch Steve McQueen In "Bullitt" And Bypass The Headache

 

SCORPION

1986/R/98 min

Director: William Riead

Writer: William Riead

Cast: Tonny Tulleners, Don Murray, Robert Logan

Tonny Tulleners was a middleweight international Karate champion in 1965. He apparently fought against Chuck Norris and won. All wonderful credits for a guy when you want him to star in an 80‘s action film as a super-cool agent who uncovers crime and conspiracies while kicking bad guys into the disabled registry.

Welcome to 1986‘s ‟Scorpion“.

Spoiler Warning! For those who feel that kind of thing applies to cheap action films that were likely made a decade BEFORE they were born.

The story, often compared to the Steve McQueen film ‟Bullitt“, involves our hero, Steve Woods (Tulleners), being called into help with a plane hijacking. While wearing the most uncomfortable male short-shorts, he kicks the snot out of the terrorists at the front of the plane (all of them conveniently within kicking range) before shooting the lone terrorist at the back of the plane. We’ll casually ignore the fact Steve has fired a live round towards a cabinful of civilians because it isn’t the last time he ignores basic gun safety in crowds.

One of the non-dead terrorists chooses to spill the beans on the internation crime scene. Woods and fellow agents are tasked with keeping the twitchy criminal at a safe house until he can be transported to a proper, secure location. But the hijacker helps a couple of hitmen to invade the safe house and blast Steve’s long-time friend and work partner. For good measure, the hitmen also shoot the shit out of our snitch, Faued.

If you guessed that Woods loses his best friend, you have obviously seen at least one 80‘s action movie as that is one of the prime motivations for the sea of violence that should follow, with a girlfriend/wife getting assaulted/killed being the other reason for the hero to bring justice and pain to criminals.

With the death of his friend, we get a flashback of Steve and his buddy as youngsters, with Steve believing he can push over a granite monument in a park. If you watch closely, you see the kid DOES manage to make the thing move a bit. Probably should have clipped that out, but they were working with kids, so they may not have had the time to get another shot. Or they didn’t care. Either way works, because you know it is a set up for the final scene of the damned movie.

Plenty of running about takes place as Steve makes motions simulating an investigation into the truth behind how hitmen breached the safe house. I’ll save you some time. There is, for some unfathomable reason, a second, but totally for real (we promise!), Faued (this time played by John Lazar, who only gets a few fleeting moments of screen time), who is quickly brought down by a budget that had run out. But not before we get resolution on that monument getting shoved over for no good reason other than Steve’s ego.

If it sounds as if the film fails to impress, that is because it does. The story is fine and could have been the basis for a nice action film. I mean, it worked out fairly well for Steve McQueen, didn’t it?

What torpedos this movie is how by-the-numbers and flat everything feels. The camera is either too far away or too close to capture the fight scenes, and the lack of coverage for those scenes gives the poor editor jack shit to work with. A slab of ham could have put the meager images together to same effect as a human did.

Acting ranges from decent, given the thin material, to ‟What the hell is he saying?“ The latter refers to Tonny himself. Yes, our lead actor whispers the bulk of his dialogue. I get the old adage of ‟Speak softly and carry a big stick,“ but, in this case, you may find yourself screaming at the movie just to hear a voice. Everyone else speaks at a normal tone, so you may end up turning the sound up and down in an effort to follow the plot until you realize it doesn’t matter and just start grooving to your Spotify list while watching Tulleners skulk about in ugly clothes and a very nice Porsche.

Do NOT let any cover or poster art for ‟Scorpion“ entice you into watching it. Do NOT think, ‟This sounds bad enough that it might be funny.“ Most importantly, DO NOT EVER pay to watch this. If you know someone who did (other than insane film addicts and/or film reviewers), put them on your short list of debateable friends and NEVER let them decide what your group of friends watch for fun.