Just Watch Steve McQueen In "Bullitt" And Bypass The Headache

 

SCORPION

1986/R/98 min

Director: William Riead

Writer: William Riead

Cast: Tonny Tulleners, Don Murray, Robert Logan

Tonny Tulleners was a middleweight international Karate champion in 1965. He apparently fought against Chuck Norris and won. All wonderful credits for a guy when you want him to star in an 80‘s action film as a super-cool agent who uncovers crime and conspiracies while kicking bad guys into the disabled registry.

Welcome to 1986‘s ‟Scorpion“.

Spoiler Warning! For those who feel that kind of thing applies to cheap action films that were likely made a decade BEFORE they were born.

The story, often compared to the Steve McQueen film ‟Bullitt“, involves our hero, Steve Woods (Tulleners), being called into help with a plane hijacking. While wearing the most uncomfortable male short-shorts, he kicks the snot out of the terrorists at the front of the plane (all of them conveniently within kicking range) before shooting the lone terrorist at the back of the plane. We’ll casually ignore the fact Steve has fired a live round towards a cabinful of civilians because it isn’t the last time he ignores basic gun safety in crowds.

One of the non-dead terrorists chooses to spill the beans on the internation crime scene. Woods and fellow agents are tasked with keeping the twitchy criminal at a safe house until he can be transported to a proper, secure location. But the hijacker helps a couple of hitmen to invade the safe house and blast Steve’s long-time friend and work partner. For good measure, the hitmen also shoot the shit out of our snitch, Faued.

If you guessed that Woods loses his best friend, you have obviously seen at least one 80‘s action movie as that is one of the prime motivations for the sea of violence that should follow, with a girlfriend/wife getting assaulted/killed being the other reason for the hero to bring justice and pain to criminals.

With the death of his friend, we get a flashback of Steve and his buddy as youngsters, with Steve believing he can push over a granite monument in a park. If you watch closely, you see the kid DOES manage to make the thing move a bit. Probably should have clipped that out, but they were working with kids, so they may not have had the time to get another shot. Or they didn’t care. Either way works, because you know it is a set up for the final scene of the damned movie.

Plenty of running about takes place as Steve makes motions simulating an investigation into the truth behind how hitmen breached the safe house. I’ll save you some time. There is, for some unfathomable reason, a second, but totally for real (we promise!), Faued (this time played by John Lazar, who only gets a few fleeting moments of screen time), who is quickly brought down by a budget that had run out. But not before we get resolution on that monument getting shoved over for no good reason other than Steve’s ego.

If it sounds as if the film fails to impress, that is because it does. The story is fine and could have been the basis for a nice action film. I mean, it worked out fairly well for Steve McQueen, didn’t it?

What torpedos this movie is how by-the-numbers and flat everything feels. The camera is either too far away or too close to capture the fight scenes, and the lack of coverage for those scenes gives the poor editor jack shit to work with. A slab of ham could have put the meager images together to same effect as a human did.

Acting ranges from decent, given the thin material, to ‟What the hell is he saying?“ The latter refers to Tonny himself. Yes, our lead actor whispers the bulk of his dialogue. I get the old adage of ‟Speak softly and carry a big stick,“ but, in this case, you may find yourself screaming at the movie just to hear a voice. Everyone else speaks at a normal tone, so you may end up turning the sound up and down in an effort to follow the plot until you realize it doesn’t matter and just start grooving to your Spotify list while watching Tulleners skulk about in ugly clothes and a very nice Porsche.

Do NOT let any cover or poster art for ‟Scorpion“ entice you into watching it. Do NOT think, ‟This sounds bad enough that it might be funny.“ Most importantly, DO NOT EVER pay to watch this. If you know someone who did (other than insane film addicts and/or film reviewers), put them on your short list of debateable friends and NEVER let them decide what your group of friends watch for fun.

Samuel Jackson Is Thankful His Character Did Not Survive For This Poor Sequel

DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2018)

Director: Darin Scott

 

Once in a while, it is so refreshing to get a sequel that basically re-affirms your faith that Hollywood isn’t a factory peddling shams and breaking dreams in a quest for the almighty dollar. I mean, how can you not enjoy leaping back into another tale dealing with either your favorite characters from the original, or a new tale set in the same setting/universe? It’s like pulling on that old, tatty sweatshirt after a week of wearing starchy, button-down shirts and ironed slacks. You can relax because you know you are in good hands.

As nice as all that can be, not one stinking bit of it has anything to do with the recent, dumped-on-an-unexcited-public sequel known as “Deep Blue Sea 2”.

Before you accuse me of being a fan boy who worships the original FROM NINETEEN YEARS AGO (!), let me assure you that I am no cheerleader for the original film. I didn’t dislike it. Frankly, it was a fairly standard Renny Harlin action film; it had his handiwork all over it, but I didn’t find any of the characters endearing. Add to that the fact Samuel Jackson leaves the film halfway through. It was just okay, and I even took the time to watch it again before watching the sequel just to make sure I wasn’t having a bad day when I watched it the first time.

I wasn’t; I am just not a big fan of shark films, I guess. “Deep Blue Sea 2” did not help elevate my passion for the sub-genre.

We start with two guys illegally farming shark fins, which are actually rather profitable, but I don’t recommend leaving your day job. In spite of receiving a warning to clear the area, greed prevails just before something large bumps into their boat. This happens numerous times, causing the two hardened seamen (phrasing, I know) to fall to the deck. These two sea-savvy old salts then balance themselves on the very back edge of the boat which is the safest place to be when having your feet knocked from underneath you. <insert huge eye roll here>

They are eaten by bad CGI sharks that seem to swim in perfect formation.

Next, we see a shark expert teaching a very small class that sharks are simply misunderstood, except for bull sharks which, apparently, are the most vicious and unpredictable sharks out there. (Guess what sharks chase people in this movie?) Our rather attractive shark expert is approached by a guy with all the charm of a bag of broken glass being slammed into your face; he wants to extend an employment offer from the very wealthy head of an international pharmaceutical corporation. Instant distrust from the scientist. Don’t expect this to change. In fact, it is little more than catering to the social justice warrior movement as she rages against the animal testing, “Big Pharma” greed, and typically male raping of Nature, goodwill, and everything else warm and fuzzy, yet her cleavage gets worked in whenever possible.

It seems that Mr. Durant, the pharmaceutical king, wants to create intelligence-boosting drugs. For the fame? No. For the money? No. To save Mankind from the coming AI revolution that will make Man pointless? Why else? But to harvest the chemicals for this wonder drug, the brains of bull sharks need to be expanded. Yippee! Sentient garbage disposals that can play chess better than I can.

No need to worry. Mr. Durant assures everyone that his facility is failsafe. Really? The original film had an above-the-water compound that covered a few acres with actual steel and concrete materials. Durant’s topside location looks like Goober and Gomer built it out of wreckage, and it resembles a low-rent refueling facility that would be hidden in a swamp. For Christ’s sake, the whole damned thing is made of wood, and they have 55-gallon drums of fuel stored on it. Next to the power unit for the whole facility.

It doesn’t take much to realize that Durant is nuts, and that the super-smart sharks will hunt the humans, especially after one is able to read Durant’s lips when he tells another character that he intends to kill the sharks once he has the proof he needs. So, the bulk of the film sees these characters wander flooded hallways made of interchangeable modular units as the sharks take WAY too long to eat these idiots.

If you’ve seen the original, then this film probably sounds similar. It is. But imagine the struggle to reach safety from the first one being boiled down to little more than a slasher flick with sharks as the killers, and a budget that looks like it was spent mostly on catering considering the sets are subpar (yes, one even moves when characters bump into the wall) and there isn’t anyone with a readily recognizable name or face in the cast.

Other reviewers shredded the film for being a pale remake of the original. Fair enough. Even without knowledge of the first film, “Deep Blue Sea 2” tanks simply because it is a bad movie. Yes, it steals from the original without hesitation, but those are actually the highlights of a film mired in a scheme so ridiculous and with characters so shallow and disposable that it boggles the average mind that this film ever moved beyond the idea stage. You know the film hits bottom, full stop, when an entire multi-million-dollar underwater facility is compromised because a damn inflatable boat bumps into the facility power source. On the surface. On a cheap wooden platform. WITH UNSECURED FUEL STORED RIGHT NEXT TO IT!!!!!

Why did Warner Brothers decide to foist this wreck of a film on the world? Hell if I know, but since they have, can we all just forget any more sequels now? If the reception of this unwanted and unwarranted “sequel” rings some bells in the empty heads at Warner Brothers, let’s hope that they throw their time and limited funds at an original property next opportunity.

 

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